a house chair personal

The only thing I ever say when shopping.

2012-01-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

I would totally buy that if it were black.

Things I have finished over the past four days:

2011-12-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

1. One batch of sticky buns 2. Season one of True Blood 3. One loaf of pumpkin bread

2011-12-27T17:00:00.001-07:00

We are so punk. Ugh.

I think I'm hilarious.

2011-12-27T16:27:00.003-07:00

*Russell walks into room eating a roll wrapped around a baked potato*
Me: What. The. HELL ARE YOU EATING?
Russell: A bachelor's piroshki.
Me: Oh... I want some.

Christmas songs with boobs in the title.

2011-12-18T15:04:00.001-07:00

1. Jingle Boob Rock 2. Rudolph The Red Nosed Boob 3. God Breast Ye Merry Gentlemen 4. Boobie The Snowman 5. Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Boob 6. What Boob Is This? 7. Good Boob Wenceslas 8. It Came Upon A Midnight Boob 9. I Saw Three Boobs 10. Joy To The Boob 11. While Shepherds Watched Their Boobs 11. Oh Little Boob Of Bethlehem 12. Silent Boob 13. Up On The Boob Top 14. We Three Boobs Of Orient Are 15. Little Drummer Boob 16. It's The Most Wonderful Boob Of The Year 17. Silver Boobs 17. Tits Begining To Look A Lot Like Christmas. 18. Carol Of The Boobs

2011-12-17T19:07:00.003-07:00

Things Russell has said while making out...
"I just want to tear you to pieces."
"You look so good in the dark."
"eeee rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

Look at this hotness.

2011-12-02T00:20:00.001-07:00

You guys sick of wedding stuff yet?? Too bad. Here's more.

2011-10-22T13:42:00.000-06:00

Ugh. So over each other.

Haha oh Russell you SLAY me.

That's passion. We for real love each other.

My loan sharks. They're really good guys.

Thanks to ESB and company and my mother-in-law, I decided to make a bouquet last minute.
It had coffee beans in it(those pink things). We met in a coffee shop. Cute, right?

GLITTAH IN ACTION. Borrowed salon magazines.

Gold cake. Door to sub space. Daniel Craig. Admiral Adama lost his cupcake.

Tom Waits. Dan Savage. Poodle. Maria Bamford.

Sloan.

Stanley. My best skull. Our love sandwich. Russell's the one who took a bite.

In the bathroom.

Alley entrance.

I'm a little ashamed of how much I loved having a bouquet. Can I carry one around all the time?

I take dancing very seriously.

Eric.

I'll be Uma, you be John.

I loved this guy.

Walking to the ceremony spot.

We put a sandwich together. You know...like when people pour sand together? Or light a candle?

Jon the majestic.

Russell says I look like a lonely heroine here. Or that I'm lonely and on heroine. Not sure which.

Kristopher Orr. You are a rock star. Thanks for not calling me a creepy weirdo to my face. You do lovely work. www.kristopherorr.com

The Mask

2011-10-16T22:25:00.000-06:00

My obsessive love for this movie as a six year old explains SO. MUCH. SOOOOO MUCH.

This is poorly edited, mostly unfunny and totally inappropriate for my blog. It's about my childhood. Feel free to skip it and I promise I'll be back to using too many asterisks again soon.

2011-10-13T14:42:00.000-06:00

Look! It's me in the closet!!

I have 8 siblings, but most of them were grown and out of the house by the time I came around. My father is 15 years older than my mother and they were divorced before I was one.
My time at my mother and my step father's house was normal and suburban. I watched cartoons and ate cereal and was endlessly fascinated by dolls with Shay. My brother Steven, who is closest to my age, would torment me. I ate processed foods and jumped on the trampoline. I was allowed a lot of freedom.
My time with my dad was...my dad is very old fashioned. At his house, we worked. We took care of horses and planted things and irrigated fields.The only television we watched was 'Nature' and 'The Red Green Show' on PBS. I spent a lot of time alone, hiding from working and pretending to be a magical Native American princess with a husband named Squanto. In the evening my dad would listen to talk radio, complain about Clinton, drink peppermint tea and read with me. He hates fiction, so it was always something quasi historical and dealing with cowboys or sled dogs. He took me fishing a lot. I never liked it, but I knew he liked it and I wanted to make him happy. We spent time in Wyoming where he has a cabin and the entire front wall of his living room is covered in various mounted animals. The living room couch is where I slept and I could never decided if I found the animals comforting or unsettling. He made me take vitamins. I never knew how to talk to my dad. I knew he wouldn't like who I was, so I let him believe I was whoever he wanted me to be. We went to rodeos and I wore cowboy hats. He spoiled me with toys and trips to Disneyland. He told me I was his best friend. He hated it when I painted my nails. When I was 14, he took my razor out of my suitcase on a trip to California because he said that shaving your legs was for old married women who didn't want to scratch their husband's legs in bed. He didn't want me to get my ears pierced until I was 18. When he found out I was reading Harry Potter, he lectured me about how it was 'of the devil' and told me I shouldn't be reading stories about children disobeying their guardians. As I became a teenager, he began to complain about my weight. I have always been chubby. I told him that my doctor said I wasn't overweight and he told me my doctor was just telling me what I wanted to hear. In high school, the only thing he ever asked about was my grades and my health. I knew he loved me, but I was always scared of his judgement. I had to put myself in a certain head space to be around him. I grew up longing to be someone else who felt beautiful and normal, who never had to deal with horse manure or eating elk meat sandwiches at a theme park. I yearned to have a good relationship with him, but he tortured me and I tortured myself. I was lonely and felt unable to be related to. I didn't feel human. I couldn't connect to anything.

Now at 22, my dad has no idea what to do with me. When we speak on the phone he tells me about how much he misses my childhood.
Several months ago, I went to visit him and he put in a video he had taken of me when I was around five or six. It was disturbing and a little bit like watching a bad indie movie. My dad has always been pretty terrible with electronics, so the tape skipped around to several different activities. It's me pulling a fish out of the water, then it's a river, then me jumping up and down in the living room to a folk-y children's song, then it's me on a carnival ride boat, completely alone while it slowly goes in circles, then it's a rodeo clown yelling at the crowd, then it's me on a swing, then it's me being scared of a fish I just caught while my dad chastises me, then it's a close up of my dad's jeans and then my curly blonde hair and then it's back to the rodeo where a man's leg is caught on a saddle of a running horse. This end scene was the most upsetting in juxtaposition with my childhood. The man had mostly fallen off the horse and was being dragged and trampled on while people ran into the arena and tried to stop the horse. I don't know what happened to the him. I had a vague memory of that night, but my memory was so tame compared to what had actually happened and that scares me.

2011-10-11T22:14:00.000-06:00

********************************************************

*life is a series of a tHousAnD tiNy MiRaCLEs*

*all because two people fell in LoVe*

*I mArRieD my BeST fRieNd*

*******************************************************

As I sob into my water colors.

2011-10-11T21:33:00.000-06:00

I will start off this post with something perfect. THE MOST perfect. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THIS PHOTO HAPPENING THAT'S HOW PERFECT IT IS. This moment was so good it made me black out, have an orgasm(yeah AFTER I blacked out) and when I woke up the next morning on the kitchen floor I found kitten hairs on my lips and I smelled of musky rose perfume. My arm doesn't even look that fat. Seriously how did that happen? Sure I wanna punch my hair and I look like I'm pooping, but that doesn't matter. I'm being positive right now. This is cute.

Moving on. Life post wedding has been mostly the same. Russell and I still pretend fight at Costco. I still put off doing the laundry until neither of us have panties. I'm still pissed at our white couch. I did not magically get clever and figure out exactly how to deal with my emotions or how to be charming at parties.

I am no longer a lady who does not cry. I cry at everything now. ALL OF IT. Not but really I'm fine. I have only turned into the most sensitive person in the universe. Situations have not been ideal lately and I am not handling them terrible well. Sorry. This is me not being that positive, but being apologetic about it.

THINGS THAT HAVE IMPROVED WITH MARRIAGE:
1. Russell lets me pick at the skin on his feet (BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR ME BECAUSE I AM WEIRD AND DISGUSTING).
2. Russell will poop while i'm getting ready for work in the bathroom because he knows I can't leave him for doing so (this is not an improvement for me I swear).
3. I can ask Russell politely to have his *Magic The Gathering* nights in the dining room so I can e~~avesdrop from the hall because that shii is hilarious~~ have some quiet time in the living room.
4. Russell has decided that he wants to bake bread all the time. This is directly related to the decrease in holly ass improvement 2011 because as proven by last Sunday, I will eat an entire loaf of bread if nobody tells me no.
5. Russell has to eat what I cook because we're on a "budget." Baked pears with OLIVES EVERYWHERE SUCKAAAAAAA>EAT THE OLIVES EAT THEM WAHAHAHAHABA HA!
6. I never have to vacuum again. Ever. That is men's work.
7. Post marriage has made me nesty. I would have started nesting sooner if someone had told me it could involve spending LOTS of money and streamers.

SEATTLE: how one girl gained ten pounds in four days

2011-09-28T14:32:00.000-06:00

The best time I made love to a vegan lemon poppy seed scone.

But wait! Peaches are healthy! Expect not when you've already had
5 katrillion calories that day.

doughnut.

HOLY **** DOUGHNUT DOUGHNUT VEGAN **** DOUGHNUT

DOUGHNUTS DOUGHNUTS GNJEKLSD?DSJKLGVFNJDVGNDLGKLF

And then I took to the bottle for comfort.

More wedding photos without order or reason.

2011-08-26T15:39:00.001-06:00

Play Latin music.

Insta photos that Kristopher took and glitter skulls that happened to already be there! It's like the hair salon KNOWS me.

So hip.

Baby Ward. Cool baby.

Wedding photos in absolutely no order with very little explanation.

2011-08-26T15:00:00.005-06:00

Exhibit A. Uncle Charles and Papa Nix.

Michael and Jesse(Daddy is his officiant title).

Yeah Daddy.

The ever loved teenager stalker board/shrine to ourselves.

PAPAS

BEAR

I ended up wearing my mom's dress. That is my nephew Jordan to my left. Please note my mom's face on the right.

I tried to get Jon to marry me too, but he said no.

This was the one moment Russell and I had alone the whole night. It was nice.

Of course Bridgette chose Jareth.

AND NOW FOR MY GARBLED COMMENTARY...

These are all photos I took throughout the night(except for the ones of our ceremony which were taken by Lisa). I have little patience for discussions about garbage placement and rental chairs and napkins, so once I finished the things I was interested in, I lost a great deal of interest in everything else (OMG SO LAZY). I stopped caring about this being any kind of "put together" "classy" event with "seating" and "water". Things got messy. I needed my mom and Courtney A LOT. I had anxiety. We had bread and a toaster and jam and cupcakes with dragons and playmates on them. It was weird. Russell and I wore goggles on our heads(best idea ever). Beautiful things happened(See Exhibit A). Everyone had fun. We are so happy. I am in love with everyone that helped us out.

2011-08-11T18:26:00.000-06:00

I ate ALL the cupcakes.

2011-08-11T16:57:00.001-06:00

This is a tour of our new apartment. I love this apartment. I want to make out with this apartment. There are also some wedding project stops along the way on this tour.

The first week in our new place. We were hobo kings on the living room floor.
How tall are those ceilings? So tall.

For some reason the whole time I was working on these, I heard ,
"Yes Holly. Yes. More glittah. Good girl. More. MORE."
It sounded remarkably like Julia's voice...

THE board game shelf.

This is our closet.
Have you ever read House of Leaves?
Do you understand why I don't sleep well?

This is the Harry Potter closet within the closet.
NOW do you understand why I don't sleep well??

Look at how swanky we are with a dining room.

I'm just going to go ahead and say that yes, these are the most amazing wedding candle holders ever.

GAS STOVE GAS STOVE I BURN EVERYTHING ON A GAS STOVE

2011-08-10T22:40:00.002-06:00

Do you see all this crazy Señor Russell pupusas? This wedding crazy is for you. Because you wanted a wedding. And MY BABY GETS WHAT MY BABY F*&^%#@ WANTS because I F*&^%#@ love you.

I have feelings.

2011-08-10T22:31:00.002-06:00

Weddings are terrible terrible things where near STRANGERS(how well can you really know someone?) will stare at you while you say intimate things to a person that you are legally binding yourself to so that you may argue about budgets and board game shelves until forever. All of that is happening while you're expected to look the prettiest and skinniest you have ever looked in your whole life.

I DON'T HAVE ANY ANXIETY ABOUT THIS I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT MY OWN FAMILY DOESN'T MAKE ME NERVOUS OR ANYTHING MY WEDDING IS IN A WEEK AND I'M TOTALLY FINE I JUST WANT TO EAT 300 GRILLED FAKE CHEESES IN THE CORNER AND GAIN 500 POUNDS ALSO I GOT A HAIRCUT AND THE CRAZY LADY PUT LAYERS IN MY HAIR....LAYERS.

2011-07-07T09:08:00.002-06:00

Here's a cautionary tale about how you shouldn't start bedazzling your Styrofoam Halloween Skull at midnight, accidentally get a tiny bit high on the shoe goo you so brilliantly decided to use and end up being wide awake all night having panic attacks about bribing people for their perfect apartment, spiders near your lady bits, buying a couch, and making thank you cards. I know, right? Also, listening to Outkast's masterpeice, 'Hey Ya' 400 times.

2011-06-23T00:43:00.002-06:00

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

2011-06-21T15:55:00.000-06:00

Russell's dream to wear gas masks for our engagement photos came true thanks to Mr. Kristopher Orr. We call it "Love in the time of a grim dystopian future where EVERYONE has to do their laundry in laundromats."

2011-06-09T18:40:00.000-06:00

It's ok to be obsessed with someone if you're engaged to them, right? A little gross? Am I being gross right now?

2011-06-09T10:16:00.005-06:00

I'm sure you are getting frustrated with me.
I'm sure you are thinking to yourself:

Yes Holly, Minnesota is an upsetting and motherless state.
Yes, you are a needy witch with a b.
A depressingly pale California sun hater with a disturbing love for animatronics
and medical problems.
A lazy cranberry puppy lover .
A crazy little dreamer with your head in the poodle shaped clouds.
But you are getting MARRIED. MORE MARRIAGE TALK PLEASE.
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME OF YOUR LIFE AND
YOU ARE WASTING THESE OPPORTUNITIES TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Well, FINE dudes. I will give you these tantalizing bits.
1. Teenager stalker shrine.
2. Gas masks and a weeeeeeeeeird sticky bra.
3. Invitations designed by Kayla Porter that my mom doesn't hate at all.

2011-06-04T01:51:00.000-06:00

My constant need for validation
is annoying.

2011-06-04T01:40:00.006-06:00

Russell applied for a job in Minnesota. His dream job.
Minnesota.
You know what isn't in Minnesota? My mom.
I'm pretty sure they don't have electricity in Minnesota. Right?
Is there alcohol in Minnesota? What about ducks?
This is in Minnesota.

Are there girls?
So, Minnesota. Tell me about yourself. I am a great skeptic of other states.

I am an idiot.

2011-05-30T13:42:00.002-06:00

A vendor rep came into my store yesterday. For some reason, I was a little nervous.

Person: *business talk business talk new buyer talk*
Me: *explanations talk*
Person: So, how's the store doing? It looks great.
Me: Great! *details*
Person: Anything really hot right now?
Me: Well, sir. That would be ME! HAHA HEEEEEY YO! HIGH FIVE!

Classy classy claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassy.
But really, if we're being honest here, it was a silly question and it deserved a silly answer.

2011-05-05T07:43:00.008-06:00

Charming Things:

1. Disneyland can still excite and overstimulate me to the point of no return. It is 6:40 in the morning(please take note that I am rarely RARELY up before noon in my daily life). I woke quietly and without any help from alarms, got dressed and I am now waiting duteously for Russell to stir so that I may POUNCE LIKE A CHRISTMAS EVE BABY AND GET HIS ASS OUT OF BED. DISNEYLAND DISNEYLAND!!

2. Upon arriving at our hotel five hours early (I was excited and overstimulated) I discovered this hotel had mirrors configured so that I may see the entirety of my backside body. I consequently spent the next hour pinching my back-of-thigh fat and Russell had to drag me away to eat(WE FOUND DELIVERY VEGAN PIZZA AND I WOULD MOVE HERE IF THE "MOUNTAINS" OF ORANGE COUNTY DIDN'T COMPLETELY UNDERWHELM ME. Mountains should be consistently treacherous looking, craggy, rocky and surround you on all sides like a group hug.).

3. I am nothing if not a delicate recluse that struggles to cope with the outdoors in the sunlight. My skin is a dewy pale spectacle that I am constantly applauded for and I intend to keep it that way. I promise you that when my generation reaches a riper age, my over-sunned peers will look like a 70 year old Forever 21 bag and I will look like a glowing spectral goddess. So what do I do to reconcile my need for Disneyland and also my need for total sun avoidance? Light layers. That cover my whole body. And enough spray suntan lotion to kill anyone with a weaker constitution.

2011-04-24T16:38:00.003-06:00

Me: But mom. They're just gloves with the fingers cut out! Like a little mouse got into your closet and nibbled on some gloves and then you found them and put them on and just as you were about to get mad, you realized they look awesome and are totally convenient!

Mom: Honey, you're getting married in august. I don't need gloves. And maybe if they were lace or something.... you know. But these are...uh...leather.

Me: Pleather, mom. Pleather. You know we don't wear leather in my house.

Mom: Why are there so many buttons?

Me: Cause there are.

Mom: And what are these goggle things? They won't fit over my glasses.

Me: UGGGGHHHH. Mom. They're steampunk goggles. You don't actually have to wear them OVER your eyes. Just on top of your head!! Like your piloting a clanker and need to be prepared to protect your eyes from any on coming debris from the enemy air ships you are about to shoot down!!!

*crazy eyes*

*machine gun arms *

Mom: I have no idea what you're talking about. What do cankers and pleather have to with you getting married?

Me: OH my GOSH it's like I never even SHOWED you rock n' roll bride.

Mom: Can we just go back to talking about your joint pain?

Me: *airplane arms* Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww pew pew pew pew pew pew MUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrr

2011-04-06T00:53:00.004-06:00

I will not have a job to go to for one month.

I made a list of things I should do during this time...things like PLAN WEDDING, GARDEN, WASH SHEETS ON A REGULAR BASIS, READ BOOKS, SEE NEGLECTED FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS, SCHOOL, PAINT, BEJEWEL A FEW THINGS, VOLUNTEER, MAKE WARDROBE A LITTLE LESS GOTHY...you know.

I made that list knowing full well that I will most likely end up doing the following:

-Watch puppy videos on youtube.

-Think about going for a walk and then watch something really terrible and embarrassing on netflix instead.

-Watch promotional videos for Disneyland (Those things totally work on me. 'Holy! How much fun are they are having?!?! So much! It really IS a small world!')

-Call my mom and complain to her about how weird my elbows and back feel.

-Drink cranberry juice and roll around on the living room floor.

-Pick at my face in the bathroom mirror.

2011-03-21T22:39:00.002-06:00

(From my birthday train ride in December)

UPDATES:

2011-03-21T19:14:00.004-06:00

1. Wedding

-I am now in possession of my mom's star trek diamond. It's shiny and special.

-The venue is most likely going to be this hair salon where future brother-in-law and family lawyer, Jesse, gets his hair done. So many good things about this venue:

-There is a mounted bear. SOOOO CUTE!

-The DJ can go right between the big hair dryers and they will look like spacey black orbs.

-It's cheap.

- I can get my hair and make-up done RIGHT THERE.

-The entrance is in an alley...it feels awesome.

-There is a bath tub in the bathroom

-The old wood floors smell old, also they are creaky.

-The whole place smells like shampoo and fancy hair. PRETTY!

-We've decided the playlist will include the following songs.

1. Hanging on the Telephone-Blondie

2. By Your Side-Beachwood Sparks

3. The book of Love-Magnetic Fields

4. Ashes to Ashes- Mr. David Bowie

5. Odessa-Caribou

(It's a work in progress. These things take time. Ohyouknow.)

- THIS is my dress (except it will be green). Shoes are TBD.

-Our ceremony will indeed involve us making a sandwich (it's a metaphor you guys.)

-I feel I should tell you that you will not be able to just come to our reception, give us a hug, grab a bonbon and leave. I will be dancing and making out with Russell, so you'll have to stay a while. Grab a glow stick. Dance like a crazy toddler (bounce bounce ARM FLAIL) with me. Ok?

2. Russell and I are going to DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disneyland makes me quiver with excitement like a little tiny girl.

Me and Mickey are gonna be BEST FRIENDS! I'm gonna get mouse ears and ride Indiana Jones and Tower of Terror 300 times and eat a frozen banana and see a yeti!

2011-02-02T16:36:00.003-07:00

Julia (via text): What would be a cool/funny/way cool and funny theme for a gender reveal party?

(Julia is pregnant.)

Me: Bake something gender-y in a cake and make everyone eat it until they find the thing!

Julia: I'll make it a bacon and anchovies cake! It will be huge!!

Me: Serve penis or vagina shaped pasta!

Julia: Do they have vagina pasta?

Me: I don't know. Just use elbow or something with a hole in it. Lauren suggests a pie eating contest. I think she just wants pie.

Julia: She is so selfish! This is about ME and MAH BABAY.

Me: Dye your hair the appropriate color!!

Julia: Maybe I'll take a picture of Sloan's penis and my vagina and post the picture around the house according to what it is!

Me: Winner!

Me: Genital shaped foods!

Me: Lauren says play gender themed music.

Lauren: Like..."Hey guuuuurl"

Me: Peh heh hehe. You know songs that go..."hey guuuurl"?!

Julia: Girls just wanna have fun!

Julia: Lets hear it for the boy!

Lauren: Pin the genitals on the baby!!

Me: WHOA. We are working on a whole 'nother level.

Julia: Oh Jesus.

Me: Genital shaped cookies!

Lauren: Do they have vagina cookie cutters?

Me: You could totally just freehand a vagina.

See, here's what I'm thinking...

2011-01-26T13:19:00.003-07:00

A little that and this.

Minus cigarettes and nipples. Plus citrine earrings and a punch in the uterus. See THIS Steamy post.

2011-01-26T12:54:00.002-07:00

I dislike 77% of the wedding head wear out there and another 20% wouldn't look right on me.

I'm in a very vulnerable and volatile state and I do not trust my judgement.

I'm looking at you Julia and Woolgathering. Too cutesy? Am I a dummy?

Wedding.

2011-01-12T02:40:00.002-07:00

-100 Disco balls.

-Sara Barron officiates.

-Then we eat Indian food.

2011-01-06T23:29:00.001-07:00

I dig my new side photo. Check it. I think it says, "I'm light hearted and like to laugh, but man do I love skulls. Don't be intimidated, I'M FUN! AND DEATH!!"

I'm on a rampage.

2011-01-05T15:39:00.005-07:00

Russell and I are going to get married.

No, I'm not pregnant, we just like the idea of having the same last name and the tax stuff sounds nice (I know next to nothing about taxes BORING) and um, you know.

So, we got all emotional and decided that marriage would be cool, I mean,

Nix is a super great last name and all. And, uh, then there was a ring 3 sizes too big and a car

and an XX song and then there was some family and a walmart parking lot (um) and then

there was a fight about Courtney Love and Katy Perry...and here we are.

I have read a lot of wedding blogs in my day and watched a lot of Whose Wedding is it Anyway, and Lord KNOWS I love me some Cake boss, so i'm all, I got this guys, I GOT THIS.

But I don't got it.

Weddings suck, am I right? I kinda hate them. The ceremony itself? Nice. Say nice things, make a pb&j and feed it to each other, bang some drums, throw some stuff in the air HOORAY DONE! But there's all this FAMILY STUFF and I have to look PRETTY and NOT SPILL BURRITO ON MYSELF. HARD!!!

Lucky for me, I have ESB. I'm sure I'll be hampering her inbox soon with panicked 5:00 am questions like, "so, steampunk weddingggg...is yeah? My fiancé wants play board games instead dancing, cool?"

and she'll be like "um...no, dummy."

and I'll be all "You responded I totally love you! Find me hot wedding shoes??"

2011: Update

2011-01-02T02:10:00.003-07:00

This year is off to a great start. I've had 3 pieces of pie, watched 5 episodes of Cake Boss and tried to seduce Russell while wearing his coca-cola pajama pants twice.

2010-12-27T01:01:00.004-07:00

Hands down the best bride I've ever seen. It's all about COMMITMENT, people. BEE CORSET.

I think I would have a joy heart attack if I saw my mom in fingerless gloves. THE HAIR. THE GROOM. SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE.

2010-12-26T23:28:00.003-07:00

The night where Holly drinks some wine, loses her sweet vegan mind and binges (by binge, I mean 'squat behind the open fridge door and shovel things in my mouth like a little possessed hobbit') on the cheese Russell bought. Severe dairy illness. I'm still repenting.

That's poodles.

2010-12-12T14:46:00.005-07:00

-Poodle Lady Gaga

-Poodle shows

-Poodle beaches

-Poodle portrairts

-Poodle pom pom legs

-Poodle head tilts

-Poodle FIGHTS

-Poodle *hugs*

-Poodle dancing

2010-12-09T22:04:00.002-07:00

I am really really prone to looking back on something I've done and saying "STUPID DELETE."

It's usually brought on by looking at blogs for three hours, feeling grumpy about the generic and cheerful nature of them(GRUMP!) and hating everything. RECLAIM SURLINESS!

2010-12-08T18:12:00.006-07:00

We've really taken a shine to breaking things around the house.

The following things have suffered:

-The blender

-The French press

-The coffee pot

I am not one to believe that things just happen willy nilly. Everything is connected and important and all that! I feel I can safely assume that the following messages are trying to be sent:

-Coffee is bad

-Getting a dog would really just fix everything

-Being awake in the morning to go to work and school is really unnecessary. We will all marry rich and leave these petty worries behind

-Too many smoothies will make you fat/lumpy!

-Blending every soup base just makes the soups too smooth (don't be afraid of a chunky soup guys)

-Sending Jon to the store to buy a new coffee pot will allow him to meet his soul mate

- We will all get into a car accident together, everyone will be fine except for me, but because a shard of glass from the blender got mysteriously logged in my wrist, I won't lose to much blood and live *{MIRACLES HAPPEN}*

PODCASTS

2010-12-06T13:15:00.004-07:00

My favorites in no particular order:

-XO

Episode 9 and 13 are my favorites.

-Risk!

Kind of like The Moth, but the stories are allowed to be grittier(dirtier).

-You Look Nice Today, A Journal of Emotional Hygiene

Lonely sandwich.

-Savage Love

Dan Savage!!!

-Jordan, Jesse, GO!

American's radio sweetheart and boy detective.

-A Life Well Wasted

I feel bad Robert Ashley doesn't post more...like personally offended.

-The Tobolowsky Files

Stephen Tobolowsky is incredibly endearing. His stories are well told and interesting. Episode 26 is my favorite.

2010-11-27T23:25:00.006-07:00

I was responsible for talking everyone into seeing Burlesque on Thanksgiving. I think my argument was something like, "BUT CHER! YEAH."

2010-11-22T00:51:00.003-07:00

2010-11-16T16:14:00.003-07:00

carli hermes

2010-11-16T01:19:00.001-07:00

mushy cookie sparkle doughness

Date night den mother.

2010-11-05T19:29:00.000-06:00

Jon: (from the other room) YOU'RE MAKING A PIZZA!

Me: I'M MAKING A PIZZA!

Jon: MAKING PIZZA!

Me: PIZZA!

Jon: PIZZA!

Me: PIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZA! PIZ

Jon: ZA!

Me: I love you.

Jon: Because you're making pizza?

Me: Yep.

Russell Arturo Nix, a closer look.

2010-11-02T22:14:00.007-06:00

Adorable.

Adorable adorable.

Adorable adorable adorable.

Loves his girlfriend.

And boardgames.

Sensual.

Sexy.

Super nice ass.

2010-10-26T15:31:00.000-06:00

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009-03-18/50-animals-in-convincing-wigs/

Julia Moore Rehder, a closer look.

2010-10-26T14:58:00.005-06:00

High class.

Loves her husband.

And babies.

Sensual.

Sexy.

Super nice ass.

A supplier of magazines and sound advice.

Offends pretty much everyone.

The first time I met Julia, she was eating salami.

I went to Savers with her the other day and this is how it went...

Me: This is nice.

Julia: Yeah, now imagine it covered in glitter.

Me: Birdcage?

Julia: Covered in glitter.

Me: This thing.

Julia: Glitter.

Me: That?

Julia: Glitter

Me: Candles.

Julia: COVERED IN GLITTER

Me: Ceramic squirrel.

Julia: GLITTER

Me: Gre..

Julia: GLITTTTTTTTTTTTER

The BIRDO Debates.

2010-10-18T00:55:00.001-06:00

2010-10-07T17:31:00.001-06:00

2010-10-05T21:03:00.004-06:00

25

2010-09-20T00:41:00.002-06:00

2010-09-12T10:37:00.000-06:00

Nose Sores.

2010-09-09T13:58:00.004-06:00

Me: So, are you gooogling nose sores?

Feb: *ipod finger shuffle* uh hu.

Me: Are there pictures?? I wanna see pictures.

Feb: Yep. *ipod game playing face*

Me: what does it say?!

Feb: ummm...... ok. Does it swell and then emit yellow liquid?

Me: er, no. (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww)

I want to see pictures!

Feb: (what is wrong with you??) You look, I don't want to see this.

Me: *eyes scan screen with delight and disgust* WHAT IS THAT?? IS THAT A BUTT? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Feb: Yeah. That's a butt.

Me: *whimper, sigh* ok, i'm done being gross. I promise i'll try to stop talking about

medical problems.

People to become friends with:

2010-08-26T01:10:00.002-06:00

1. Girl who is into urban exploring. 2. Girl who has synesthesia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia

New semester jitters.

2010-08-24T22:33:00.002-06:00

ME: you can't do this.

ME: stop being a dick, you can totally handle this.

ME: i'm going to cry every night.

ME: yeah, you are.

ME: life is horrible. You go to school. You finish school. You get a job to feed yourself and occupy your time. Then you're old. You lose bladder control. You're alone. You're a burden. Then you die.

ME: OH MY GOSH YOU ARE SO DEPRESSING

ME: it's true though.

ME: *cry*

ME: so, yeah. This school thing? Totally can't do it.

ME: nope. When does it start?

ME: tomorrow.

ME: WHAT

ME: run away.

ME: can't.

ME: fine, spend lots of money on things you don't need.

ME: k.

TODAY:

2010-08-09T01:37:00.000-06:00

My reservations about public bathrooms and the solutions I have proposed to my brain.

2010-08-05T01:55:00.005-06:00

1. Pee will most likely be sprinkled on the seat.

- It will act as a kind of glue when I put the management provided paper seat protector down!

2. People will hear me pee.

- They love it. They wouldn't be in there if they didn't.

3. I will hear myself pee.

- Plug ears and hum softly.

4. I will hear others pee.

-Imagine tiny waterfalls!!

5. People will see me peeing through the cracks in the stalls.

- If I keep my knees shut and casually pose in the elbow to knee, fist to chin *deep thinker* position, they will assume I am there, not to dispose of bodily waste, but to think quality thoughts about current issues.

6. Two people might be having a conversation while both in stalls, peeing.

- Leave. Leave the bathroom, wash hands, and cry.

2010-07-24T23:55:00.003-06:00

BODY: stomach cramp headache bruise bruise flesh cut

ME: Do work please?

BODY: NO. TIRED

ME: You should feel good. Sweet Ramona and Beezus, you're only 21!

BODY: swear words

ME: swear words PRODUCE SOME HORMONES DAMNIT

BODY: no

ME: regulate something?

BODY: no

ME: prevent cancer?

BODY: remember that time you fell down the stairs?

ME: no

BODY: good

ME: what?

BODY: remember that time things happened to you last year?

ME: no

BODY: remember what happened on the winter solstice?

ME: um

BODY: good

ME: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BODY: nothing

ME: EXACTLY

BODY: i hate you

2010-07-11T13:38:00.003-06:00

Don't be scared, I've done this before.

2010-06-23T12:55:00.002-06:00

I just spent three hours in my doctor's office and now I bring you

A QUOTE FROM MY DOCTOR:

"For that kind of crowd I do edu-tainment. I bring props like carrot top, you know? I played the saxophone."

And then I got my blood drawn while listening to Lady Gaga.

2010-06-15T23:04:00.002-06:00

2010-06-15T23:02:00.002-06:00

2010-06-15T23:01:00.002-06:00

2010-06-12T17:27:00.002-06:00

1. Chewing ice cubes.

2. When people on bicycles use hand signals.

3. Cold bananas.

4. Driving through really big puddles.

5. Train noises.

6. Riding in the shopping cart.

7. Whispering unnecessarily.

8. Watching people try to walk normally in ski boots.

9. Nicknames.

10. Petting other people's dogs.

11. Seeing the cute chubby chickens walk around the front yard I always pass.

12. King Duck Smurfenstein The Black.

13. Cleaning.

14. Biting pen caps until they are no longer usable.

15. Making up songs about everything.

16. Mixing cereals.

17. Lying about yourself to strangers.

18. Being complimented on how you smell.

19. Rescuing bugs instead of killing them.

20. Peeing after holding it for a long time.

21. Drinking really cold water while sitting in a really hot bath.

22. Slow dancing in the kitchen.

23. Sticky eyeball.

24. Free t-shirts.

25. Blanket nests.

26. Alan Rickman.

27. New toothbrushes.

28. Sleeping like hobo kings.

Jobs currently on craigslist that are available to ignore my application/resume/lack of experience:

2010-05-24T17:12:00.002-06:00

Pipe Welder

Soldering Position

iMovie Tutor

Farm Swather, Rake and Loader Operators

Easy Sales

Machinist

Order Filler

Pest Control Sales

Stucco Plasters

Clickworker

My future is so bright.

2010-05-17T14:00:00.003-06:00

2010-05-17T13:26:00.004-06:00

2010-05-17T13:21:00.003-06:00

2010-05-12T19:58:00.002-06:00

This IS the greatest ever.

This summer...

2010-04-27T14:47:00.003-06:00

Feelings.

2010-04-27T13:46:00.008-06:00

I like to think of myself as a stoic.

Not the 'move to the woods, eat some bark, philosophy' kind of stoic, but the 'professedly indifferent to pleasure or pain' kind of stoic.

'My heart is an 80 year old raisin' kind of stoic.

'Your chubby babies have no effect on me' kind of stoic.

'I watched Dancer in the Dark and didn't bat an eye' kind of stoic.

Sure, I get pleasure from buying things, looking at chickens and petting dogs, holding hands...

but lately, something has been all wrong with me.

I have all of these feelings.

I get really happy and then I try to watch a movie with my boy and end up blubbering on his shoulder (ok, I am not to a blubbering point yet, it was more like a little pool of tears on my nose).

I haven't CRIED in front of someone since 1998.

I wait until everyone is gone and hide my shameful salty tears of despair under my bed.

And even that kind of crying hasn't happened for two years.

This American Life made me cry. The Fountain made me cry.

I was still weepy about The Fountain AN HOUR after we watched it...I had to keep repeating to myself...I am not a girl....I am not crying...

Am I joining some sort of secret girl club? Is my biological clock telling me it's time to get emotional so that I could actually love a child if I had one?

I am world weary and hardened, damn it!

I smoke cigarettes and hang out on train tracks! ( I really don't mom, I promise).

I like violence and hip hop music that SWEARS!

I scoff at children on bicycles!

I don't EVER take photos of me and my boyfriend kissing! (I totally do).

I paint my fingernails BLACK!

If I start wanting to hold stranger's babies and crying while I watch commercials, just push me off a bridge please. Thanks.

2010-04-27T13:20:00.005-06:00

ACK!! Look at all those chickens standing on a pile of wood.

2010-04-06T19:37:00.000-06:00

2010-04-06T19:32:00.001-06:00

p.o.s and annie clark's dress.

2010-04-03T22:20:00.002-06:00

I am not this.

I am gored tafetta with bows. Unfortunately? Respectively? Either way, I do not handle conflict well. Please stop drunkenly dancing into our walls.

2010-03-22T00:15:00.000-06:00

Foods that look like poop: A Study.

2010-03-04T19:43:00.005-07:00

Case #1: Processed dates.

Case #2: Leftover Saag Aloo

(and fresh Saag Aloo for that matter).

Please notice how I have created a sort of carrot 'barrier' between the Indian food and the lettuces.

MINDFREAK.

2010-02-28T23:22:00.004-07:00

2010-02-26T12:25:00.008-07:00

Boy

PANCAAAAKE.

I want to understand.

2009-10-26T02:35:00.003-06:00

Tony Wilson interviews The Smiths.

2009-10-16T23:36:00.003-06:00

Johnny Marr's earring.

"Lets just make disco records or whatever."

Bangs: The sad carny.

2009-10-03T00:40:00.003-06:00

New best friend.

2009-05-29T12:15:00.001-06:00

He'll be your best friend too.

Ladies.

2009-02-16T20:51:00.001-07:00

Baby.

2009-02-15T22:03:00.001-07:00

2008-10-29T23:25:00.006-06:00

2008-07-04T15:58:00.003-06:00

2008-07-03T14:20:00.002-06:00