4/27/10

Feelings.

I like to think of myself as a stoic.
Not the 'move to the woods, eat some bark, philosophy' kind of stoic, but the 'professedly indifferent to pleasure or pain' kind of stoic.
'My heart is an 80 year old raisin' kind of stoic.
'Your chubby babies have no effect on me' kind of stoic.
'I watched Dancer in the Dark and didn't bat an eye' kind of stoic.
Sure, I get pleasure from buying things, looking at chickens and petting dogs, holding hands...
but lately, something has been all wrong with me.
I have all of these feelings.
I get really happy and then I try to watch a movie with my boy and end up blubbering on his shoulder (ok, I am not to a blubbering point yet, it was more like a little pool of tears on my nose).
I haven't CRIED in front of someone since 1998.
I wait until everyone is gone and hide my shameful salty tears of despair under my bed.
And even that kind of crying hasn't happened for two years.
This American Life made me cry. The Fountain made me cry.
I was still weepy about The Fountain AN HOUR after we watched it...I had to keep repeating to myself...I am not a girl....I am not crying...
Am I joining some sort of secret girl club? Is my biological clock telling me it's time to get emotional so that I could actually love a child if I had one?
I am world weary and hardened, damn it!
I smoke cigarettes and hang out on train tracks! ( I really don't mom, I promise).
I like violence and hip hop music that SWEARS!
I scoff at children on bicycles!
I don't EVER take photos of me and my boyfriend kissing! (I totally do).
I paint my fingernails BLACK!
If I start wanting to hold stranger's babies and crying while I watch commercials, just push me off a bridge please. Thanks.

4 comments:

wool and misc said...

so in love with this post. i'm right there with you.

wool and misc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wool and misc said...

ps. i'll push you'll if you push me

Brittanee Lee said...

you ARE a whiskey woman, damnit!